I debated writing about this for a while.
I don't want to make it public, but in some ways I feel that I have to.
It will add some accountability and then possibly explain some things that happen now and for the future. Not that I care to explain myself or anything about this to anyone. I really don't care what people think about what is going on. It doesn't matter what 'people' think. What does matter is what God thinks. And what He has to say about it. Which is why I feel like I need to get this down.
So. Here goes.
About a month ago, both of my personal electronic devices were being used by the two little people I share my life with. My sweet girl asked me to look something up about an animal she was learning about on her game on my computer. Daddy was sleeping in the other room because he was working nights, so I grabbed his computer and opened it up to get the answer about this all-important animal question.
Let's just say she never got her answer.
When the computer booted up, the iMessage app was open. There were a myriad of text messages, but one in particular stood out to me because it was from a number that didn't have a name attached. I kind of glanced at it and then for some reason felt an overwhelming need to read further. So I did. What I found was not good.
My husband had been texting this person and it was definitely bordering on seriously inappropriate conversation. Not anything sexual, but just the kind of conversation that makes you sick inside wondering what they were thinking when they wrote those words . . .
Instant knot in my stomach and pretty much uncontrollable shaking.
And my brain didn't even go further than just thinking about the texts. I didn't even go to the place where questions would be asked about this becoming a physical thing. I had seen enough and confrontation was imminent.
So, off to the sleeping man I went and I woke him with, "I have a problem."
I showed him the screen and calmly asked what was going on. I mean, I was surprisingly level headed and calm. There was no screaming, yelling, kicking him out . . .just calm and questions and tears from both of us.
Immediately his face went gray. He closed the computer and the level of remorse I saw from him was indescribable. He promised nothing more than the texting had occurred and I honestly believed him. I told him I hadn't even thought that far yet.
So, what now?
I knew it could have been much worse, but this was still heart-wrenching and terrible.
We had two innocent kids in the other room and my concern was immediately for them and their well-being. Of course my mind went instantly to divorce because what else do you think when you've dealt with trust issues in your marriage before and you keep getting hurt? I didn't want that to be an option, but at this point, it was on the table.
So the talking began.
I asked, he answered. I cried, he held me(after a bit of me just not wanting to be touched at all). I mean, he was just SO sorry. He couldn't say it enough. He just kept saying how embarrassed he was and how stupid he was and how sorry he was.
He said he felt like he had lost his identity(we had been through SO many transitions that year), and this was absolutely the wrong outlet to choose to deal with it.
Of course I told him he had to choose. Right now and forever. Me and the kids or I'm out. That might be harsh, but I don't play games. You're in or out. From day one that has been the option. If you choose to pursue something/someone else over us, you will never see your kids again. Simple as that. It's not a threat, just a fact. I will not screw up my children to keep up appearances.
The first couple of weeks were awful. It was so hard not to throw it in his face every day and just be so angry and so hurt and just drained in every capacity. He was so apologetic and tried so hard, but words just can't fix this. Of course the kids were really sick throughout this whole time too, so I was dealing with that, while he was working 12-14 shifts 2+ weeks in a row. We were both so broken.
But, by the grace of God, I am finding peace. I am calm. We are rationally talking things out. We have plans to go to counselors, together and apart. We are both invested in our marriage and our kids and this is something we want to work past. We know that we need God to help us to heal. That is literally the only way we will make it out together.
I am so thankful for the covering God has put over me and my heart through this. I am so thankful that He has just filled me up with love and forgiveness and a desire to work it out. I am also thankful for a husband that has been receptive to our conversations and is willing to do whatever it takes to heal this hurt. I am thankful for the understanding I have that he was hurting too and that's why we are here. It actually breaks my heart that he was hurting so much that he turned to something like that to block it out.
We have a lot of work to do. It will be a long road. But every day it gets better. Every day there is more healing. We have the promise from God that we will come out the other side of this more invested in our marriage than ever and able to withstand anything. We will be stronger and better because God has already orchestrated all of this.
I have no fear.
Instead there is only faith.
We will continue to be broken together and to work on healing every day.
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