Reflection

Here I sit.

Almost exactly one year from drafting my previous post.

How are things?

Well, I am happy to report that we are still here.

We are still fighting for our marriage.

We are still fighting for our family.

It has not been easy.

More than once I have wanted to give  up and give in.

But, who would have really been the loser?

All of us . . .

My husband has done everything I have asked.

We've spent time in therapy, together, and apart.

We've prayed.

We had others pray for us.

We've cried together.

We've had more new great times together.

Most importantly, my perspective changed.

What does that mean?

It means the I learned who the real enemy was.

I learned who and what I really needed to be fighting.

It's not my husband.

It's not my marriage.

It's certainly not God.

There is an evil in this world.

It will do anything to bring you down.

It will go to no end to break you.

The question is, what will you do about it?

I for one, will not allow that.

I learned to get on my knees and fight the real fight.

Prayer and prayer alone is my weapon.

It is the only I have at all times to get me through.

I literally walked through my house and drove out the demons.

I drove out the bad thoughts.

I drove out the evil.

I told it that it was no longer welcome in my home and to get out.

Then, I invited God.

I seriously stood there and invited God into my home.

I prayed over my kids, my house, my  husband, my marriage.

I blatantly said that I needed help and I didn't want to do it on my own anymore.

Guess what?

The entire attitude in my house changed.

I am calmer and slower to anger with my children.

I am calmer and slower to anger with my husband.

I give myself grace.

GRACE.

Where would we be without God's grace?

I shudder to think about it.

So, I guess my point is this:

Who are you really fighting?

What are you really fighting?

What war are you up against and what do you have in your arsenal to get through it?

I cannot tell you enough how driving out the bad and inviting the good changed my life.

My prayer life has drastically changed.

I encourage you to look at your life and see what you need to change to life yourself up.

I will never go back to how I was trying to handle things  before.

It's looking up from here. . .

By the grace of God.

Where do we go from here?(Drafted One Year Ago)

I debated writing about this for a while.

I don't want to make it public, but in some ways I feel that I have to.

It will add some accountability and then possibly explain some things that happen now and for the future.  Not that I care to explain myself or anything about this to anyone.  I really don't care what people think about what is going on.  It doesn't matter what 'people' think.  What does matter is what God thinks.  And what He has to say about it.  Which is why I feel like I need to get this down.

So.  Here goes.

About a month ago, both of my personal electronic devices were being used by the two little people I share my life with.  My sweet girl asked me to look something up about an animal she was learning about on her game on my computer.  Daddy was sleeping in the other room because he was working nights, so I grabbed his computer and opened it up to get the answer about this all-important animal question.

Let's just say she never got her answer.

When the computer booted up, the iMessage app was open.  There were a myriad of text messages, but one in particular stood out to me because it was from a number that didn't have a name attached.  I kind of glanced at it and then for some reason felt an overwhelming need to read further.  So I did.  What I found was not good.

My husband had been texting this person and it was definitely bordering on seriously inappropriate conversation.  Not anything sexual, but just the kind of conversation that makes you sick inside wondering what they were thinking when they wrote those words . . .

Instant knot in my stomach and pretty much uncontrollable shaking.

And my brain didn't even go further than just thinking about the texts.  I didn't even go to the place where questions would be asked about this becoming a physical thing.  I had seen enough and confrontation was imminent.

So, off to the sleeping man I went and I woke him with, "I have a problem."

I showed him the screen and calmly asked what was going on.  I mean, I was surprisingly level headed and calm.  There was no screaming, yelling, kicking him out . . .just calm and questions and tears from both of us.

Immediately his face went gray.  He closed the computer and the level of remorse I saw from him was indescribable.  He promised nothing more than the texting had occurred and I honestly believed him.  I told him I hadn't even thought that far yet.

So, what now?

I knew it could have been much worse, but this was still heart-wrenching and terrible.

We had two innocent kids in the other room and my concern was immediately for them and their well-being.  Of course my mind went instantly to divorce because what else do you think when you've dealt with trust issues in your marriage before and you keep getting hurt?  I didn't want that to be an option, but at this point, it was on the table.

So the talking began.

I asked, he answered.  I cried, he held me(after a bit of me just not wanting to be touched at all).  I mean, he was just SO sorry.  He couldn't say it enough.  He  just kept saying how embarrassed he was and how stupid he was and how sorry he was.

He said he felt like he had lost his identity(we had been through SO many transitions that year), and this was absolutely the wrong outlet to choose to deal with it.

Of course I told him he had to choose.  Right now and forever.  Me and the kids or I'm out.  That might be harsh, but I don't play games.  You're in or out.  From day one that has been the option.  If you choose to pursue something/someone else over us, you will never see your kids again.  Simple as that.  It's not a threat, just a fact.  I will not screw up my children to keep up appearances.

The first couple of weeks were awful.  It was so hard not to throw it in his face every day and just be so angry and so hurt and just drained in every capacity.  He was so apologetic and tried so hard, but words just can't fix this.  Of course the kids were really sick throughout this whole time too, so I was dealing with that, while he was working 12-14 shifts 2+ weeks in a row.  We were both so broken.

But, by the grace of God, I am finding peace.  I am calm.  We are rationally talking things out.  We have plans to go to counselors, together and apart.  We are both invested in our marriage and our kids and this is something we want to work past.  We know that we need God to help us to heal.  That is literally the only way we will make it out together.

I am so thankful for the covering God has put over me and my heart through this.  I am so thankful that He has just filled me up with love and forgiveness and a desire to work it out.  I am also thankful for a husband that has been receptive to our conversations and is willing to do whatever it takes to heal this hurt.  I am thankful for the understanding I have that he was hurting too and that's why we are here.  It actually breaks my heart that he was hurting so much that he turned to something like that to block it out. 

We have a lot of work to do.  It will be a long road.  But every day it gets better.  Every day there is more healing.  We have the promise from God that we will come out the other side of this more invested in our marriage than ever and able to withstand anything.  We will be stronger and better because God has already orchestrated all of this. 

I have no fear.

Instead there is only faith.

We will continue to be broken together and to work on healing every day.

Broken Together

Have you heard the Casting Crowns song-Broken Together?

It is amazing.

The first time I heard it I was in tears-like less than 30 seconds in, bawling.

It basically sums up the relationship I have with my husband.

We've been through so much in our almost 8 years and the past few weeks have been really rough.

Thankfully, we know we have God on our side.

We know that through His grace alone we make it through each day.

I get so much comfort from that, it is unreal.

We are two broken, imperfect people, trying to survive the daily grind.

How do you do that? How do you get past flaws?  How do you move past hurts? How do you parent, and love, and work, and just be with another flawed human being?

The only way is with God.

That is the only way healing is possible.

It is the only way you can move past hurts together.

It's the only way there can be peace in your heart after feeling so broken.

I am not naive though.  I know there are some things that people just can't get over.  I understand that sometimes when a marriage ends, it's for good, solid reasons.

Our marriage has been challenged from day one, but we have always had the same goal.

We also have two fantastic kids that make us stop and think rationally before making rash decisions based on our emotions in the moment.

I am so thankful for the cover that God has put on me and my heart, or I know we would not still be standing as a couple today.

And I am thankful that my husband is the man that he is.

He is kind.  He is gentle.  He has always been receptive to our conversations and our goals to better ourselves both in and out of our marriage.  He is a great dad.  He has a huge heart.  He is genuine.

I just wish he could see all of that in himself as easily as I do.

So, I will continue to pray for him and his heart.

I will continue to pray for my own heart.

We will continue to try together.

We are broken together.

And it's beautiful.

Watch the music video of the song here.

My baby is 3.

My how time flies.

I know that is super cliche, but it's true.

Especially when you start talking about your own children.

My son turned 3 in October.  And that makes me feel old. Maybe not old, but just kind of sad in a way.  My baby, my last and final born child is 3.  No more babies for us.  And then it just makes me realize how quickly the years with my daughter have gone and it's hard to even think about my son being that old!(She's only 7.)

The good thing is, that while a huge part of me was bummer that we were officially moving out of the baby stage, another  part of me is ecstatic.

I am getting my freedom back.

That may sound terrible, but any mom will tell you the same thing.

When you find that great babysitter, and your kids are old enough for you to feel comfortable leaving them with someone, and you can actually do things with your spouse on a regular basis, it is absolutely liberating.

I am so happy to be in the season of life that we are in.  I love watching our kids grow and learn every day. I am thrilled to see that after surviving the early years of child rearing, that we are well on our way to having some truly great little kids to hang out with every day.

So I guess my message to those with really small kids is this:

It does get better(in some ways) and different in a lot of ways.  You'll regain some of yourself back along with more scheduled time with your spouse.  You will feel like a whole person again.  You will get to sleep through the night.  You will enjoy every second those sweet little faces are with you because time truly does fly.

Going on 30 . . .

I am going to be 30 this year.

Yeah.

Ouch.

I don't know why, but this seems worse to me than turning 40.

When I turn 40, I picture my life a lot more stable than it is now and like I've had, oh, ten years to settle in a bit.  30 is like, ok, you're a 'real' adult now.  Are you ready yet?  Did you have fun in your twenties?  I hope so, because now they're gone.

This is absolutely ridiculous thinking because I have been a mom since I was 22.  Been married since I was 22.  Moved all over the world and the US for the last 8 years, so I've had lots of growing experiences and things to broaden my mindset.  I have always been kind of an old soul, never really into partying, or going out, or whatever.  I like my time to myself, but I do enjoy spending time with close friends or people that make my heart happy. I know that sounds silly and sappy, but it's true.  So, I already act kind of old, so 30 shouldn't be a big deal.

Why does it feel so weird then?

I am very happy with where my life is at this point.

We are done, D O N E, having kids and it is so nice to have that feeling of completeness with our little family.  I have so many friends that are just starting their families, and that's not a bad thing, I am just super  happy to be done and moving on to the more independent stages of having  a 7 and almost 3 year old(my sweet boy will be 3 on Tuesday-look for a post on that coming soon!).

We own a house (maybe soon to be two) and have been paying our bills steadily since we've been married.  We've paid off the subaru and Adam's motorcycle(which he just sold-huge growing up step for us because it was a necessary thing to do, I promise I wasn't just being mean.) and we just paid off our credit card(the only one we had) and we don't ever plan to use it again.  We are getting to a good spot financially, even though we do want total freedom at some point, for now we are ahead of the game.

I could list more things that supposedly make us into adults, but the point is, I have been acting older than my age for some time now, so why is it hitting me so hard that I will be 30?

I know a lot of people that still act like teenagers in their 30s-not always a good thing, and I've never really acted like that, nor do I have a desire to.

I guess it's just really strange to me that I am where I thought it would take for-ev-eeeeeeeer(picture the line from the Sandlot when you read that) to get to as a kid.  Married, with kids, a house, a couple cars, a couple cats, a fish . . .

Like, we are really doing this.  This is my life.  I am a parent.  I am a wife.  I am getting old.

Woah.

Ok, now with all of that being said, I still feel so young.  I have SO much life to live and I have so many great plans and dreams still ahead of me.  I don't want this to be such a downer post, so I do want to make it clear that I know this is not the end of fun.  In fact, I truly think it's only the  beginning.

I am elated to have our two incredible kids and to be where we are at in life and have so much to still look forward to.  We've made it almost 9 years together and I'm not sick of the hubby yet, so I guess that's good. ;)

It just feels really weird to be here.

I am very thankful for every single day of my last 29 years and I SO look forward to the next 29.

I'm surprised at how quickly I seemed to get here and I hope time seems to slow down a little from now on.

How do/did you feel about turning 30???  I'd love to hear if you feel/felt as strange as me!

Cancer Awareness Selfies

Have you seen all of your friends posting their no make-up selfies lately?

I sure have and I've been torn as to whether or not I should participate.  Not for the reasons you would think though.

I do think the point that is trying to be made is good.  Women should believe they are beautiful from the inside out, so posting a photo to a public forum without make-up can be a daunting task for some.  I've never  had a problem not wearing make-up in public, so that's not the issue for me.  I also believe that the Dove campaign is on the right track with their message regarding this matter.  So, if my friends were posting their no make-up selfies for something more along those lines, I may have jumped right in.  However, posting them for cancer awareness?  I just didn't feel right about it and then I read an article that shed some light on where my feelings may have been coming from.

Read this article and you'll see why I thought twice about posting a selfie of my own.

Considering I found out a dear friend has been struggling with just such an issue for the past few months, I would feel like a huge jerk posting a picture of my healthy self, make-up or not, for cancer awareness.

The ones going through it are very aware.  They are acutely aware.  They are painfully aware.

They have been there, watching themselves waste away and turn into something that betrays what they are on the inside, and I know they have days where even that is questionable.

Can you imagine going through something in your life where you would need every ounce of strength and determination you could muster, but all of that being wiped away in the first instant your hair starts to fall out?  When your sunken eyes tell the world just how ill you are?  When, despite your brave smile, we can all see how physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted you are?

Thankfully, I can only imagine and I would never wish that on anyone.

So, I will not be participating in the cancer awareness selfies.

Unless I am going to shave my head and use make-up to make myself look worse off than those actually suffering, no thanks, I'll pass.

Please don't get me wrong though.  I do think the underlying message is a good one, but if I ever post anything like that, it will be along the lines of the Dove campaign and not for cancer.

So, please keep praying for everyone that is, has, or will ever suffer, and find a better, more respectful way to show your support.

And to my dear, dear friend:

You are a survivor.

You will get through this.

You have a tenacity that nothing can take away.

You will always be beautiful to me.

I love you.

Helping out my cousin . . .

Please think about making a donation, but we are also always accepting prayers. :)

http://www.gofundme.com/7vyd18